Reciprocity & Obligation

Why it works

Reciprocity is one of the oldest forms of human social technology. In small groups, an unreciprocated favor was a serious offense — the group could not function if its members did not reliably return what was given. Your brain treats outstanding favors as debt that has to be cleared. The discomfort of an unsettled debt is the engine.

It compounds. Refusing to reciprocate makes you, in your own self-image, the kind of person who takes things without giving back. That self-image is unacceptable to most adults. The cost of avoiding it is paying the reciprocation — even when the math does not work.

The Hare Krishna campaign of the 1970s financed years of operations on the back of unrequested airport flowers. The donations were many times larger than the flowers were worth. The marks did not want the flowers. They gave anyway.

What it sounds like

• No, please — my treat.
• Take it. I insist.
• I'll get the next one.
• I really shouldn't be telling you this, but...
• We don't usually do this, but for you...
• Given what we've done for each other...
• After everything I've done for you.

Where you will see it

• Retail. The free sample at Costco. The dealer's pen. The car salesperson's bottle of water.
• B2B sales. The lunch. The conference invite. The boondoggle. The "free strategy session" that costs the buyer thousands once the deal is "ready to close."
• Influencer funnels. Free video. Free podcast. Free e-book. Free masterclass. Then a coaching program for several thousand dollars.
• Madoff. Decades of donations to the institutions whose endowments he managed. Turning down the chance to invest with him felt ungrateful.
• Cults & abusive relationships. Weeks or months of unreciprocated kindness before the first ask. By the time the ask arrives, refusing feels like betrayal.

How to defend